Ah, the new year is here. Nearly 2 weeks in, and it finally feels like it's really here. Somehow, I never feel like it truly begins until I put the Christmas decorations away.
I have given up on resolutions. I feel like they focus too much on the negative. So many resolutions are about NOT doing something. Stop overeating, stop smoking, stop watching so much TV....
Last year I tried something new. I focused on an idea. Something I felt I needed to learn during the course of the year. In my meditations, I repeatedly received the message "Balance". 2009, for me, was the year I learned to balance motherhood with career goals, birds, kids, my husband, work and fun.
So this year, I was pleasantly surprised, when in church- we did a "white stone" ceremony. We held the stones in our hands and meditated on what our "name" for 2010 would be. Before I could even shut my eyes, I received the word "Grace". I never really thought about grace before. To be honest, I didn't even know what is is. But I wrote it on my stone, and I am already having opportunities to learn more about how to embody this new name.
I also listened to a radio show hosted by Robert Ohotto about the New Year and resolutions. I remember that his response to one particular caller really stood out for me. He was talking about how sometimes, making changes in small increments ("baby steps") is not enough to initiate real change. Sometimes we need a major kick start to get moving in a new direction. His example was, if you have a hard time getting motivated to exercise even though you have been trying (and failing) to slowly work up to your desired goal, then maybe you should just go all out and throw yourself into it whole hog. Instead of exercising 20 minutes a day, just start doing 2 hour daily workouts instead. Sometimes this is the only way we can wake ourselves up to make the changes that will help us be all we can be.
As my day went on, this idea kept sneaking back into my mind. But I wondered, what on earth could I have to change that I would need to do this? I am finally feeling like I am healing myself physically, and also learning how balance the changes that came about after the birth of my second child. Still, I could not shake this idea from my head. I knew there had to be some significance.
Night time rolled around, and after I put the baby down to sleep, I finally had some time for myself. I absentmindedly turned on the TV, and what was on at that exact moment? Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Heidi Fleiss was the focus of this episode, and the first thing I noticed (before I realized who she was)- were her beautiful macaws. She talked about how she loved her birds and often felt they were the only ones who understood her. There was footage of at least one of the macaws flying, which was absolutely exquisite. The connection between her and her birds was so obviously strong. I was immediately reminded of the old days with me and my birds. Not just my birds, either. All birds. The deep love and connection she felt, was mine at one time. At this moment, I felt at one with Heidi Fleiss. It's incredible how similar we all are to one another. We share more similarites than differences- even me and Heidi Fleiss.
I rewound the DVR to watch that macaw flying again and again. How beautiful, majestic, amazing and magnificent. I had recently begun (lightly) dabbling in clicker training my birds. I had also recently explored the idea of flying parrots outdoors and teaching recall and other behaviors. One of my birds, my Patagonian conure, is flighted, and I have been wanting to train him to fly to me in the house- among other things.
I have been wanting to do so many things for my birds. Having children, and caring for them along with the birds is not an easy task. Once the basic needs of the day are met, I'm left with little energy or desire to do the extras. This is especially monumental given that I have put everyone in the house on the healthiest, most organic diets we can afford. It takes time to shop for and prepare healthy foods. I travel between Whole Foods, Trader joe's, Woodman's and pick up dairy & meat from the farm coop.
Me having arthritis is not at all helpful, either. But I am beginning to see the reason for it. Louise Hay talks about chronic diseases and how we really need to take a look at the BENEFITS we get from being ill. We cannot heal until we let go of the reasons we are holding on to disease in the first place. Clearly, I am doing too much. I want to do even more, too. I know my body is screaming "STOP!" at the top of its lungs, by creating this pain that disables me. This, I believe was all part of last year's lesson of balance. Funny how, as soon as this year (and my new lesson of Grace) began, I received clear messages about the small amounts of sugar I had been eating daily. I cut out all sugar completely 10 days ago, and now- for the first time since Maximilian was born- I am healing.
Of course, now that I am feeling well and nearly pain-free, I want to do all the things I haven't been able to do all year! But I have to remember to keep the Balance of the family (animal and human) in tact.
But what do I do when the feeling is so strong to return to my birds? The happiest times of my life (minus wedding & birth of children) are my times with the birds. It strikes me that spending time with birds is a lot like spending time with children. It's about that soul connection. Not caring what time it is, when you have to start dinner, how dirty their cages are. Just losing yourelf in the moment. Imagining a beautiful world where all our needs are met all time, and we are filled with joy, wonder and love. Laughter, exhuberance and play. Screaming, squealing, flapping and hopping.
I am regaining that with my children once again. But what about my birds?
My soul aches to have that freedom of spirit with them once again. How beautiful they are in their love for me and the children. How amazing they are in their accaptance of me as I am. Not me as I wish to be, or even me as I once was. Despite all my shortcomings, they love the me that is right here right now. I am learning to do the same.
This world sometimes feels too small to contain the infinite number of beautiful beings of light that inhabit it. And in fact, it is. I know we extend as far out as the universe does- perhaps farther. Maybe in some way, my reconnection with my children as I heal is all part and parcel of my reconnection with the birds. Maybe I never really lost connection in the first place. In my conversations with them, I am repeatedly floored by their deep understanding of life and what is going on presently. They tell me they know what is coming and that I should hang in there- great things are in store for all of us. I suppose this yearning to be closer is just a little seed that, once planted, can grow into a beautiful miracle of nature.
Yet, I can't shake this idea of Robert Ohotto's from my head! Throw myself into it whole hog? It's an idea. I have been trying the baby steps for the birds- which is working in some ways, but not in others. They are eating much better foods. But I have turned it into a routine, so although I am spending more minutes per day with them, they are not valuable minutes. I am preoccupied, busy and hurried. I don't think any of us are enjoying each other any more than we were 6 months ago. This is why I dislike routine so much. It can take a sacred activity and turn it into the mundane. So I am intrigued. How could I do this without ignoring my children and practicing more as I walk down the Animal Communication path?
So many things I've been wanting to do- could this possibly mean I should do them all? I'm sure there has got to be a way I can get my kids to help out with it. They adore the birds. It shouldn't be too hard. But then my "mind" keeps intercepting. It says "Your house is not all all conducive to this. You'd need to buy a new house. The area you live is too crowded and residential. Your children lose interest in any project after 5 minutes. They need your focus and attention, too. How will you build outdoor structures? Where will you get the materials? Where on earth could I fly a parrot around here?" Blah, blah blah.
At this time, I will have to look towards my teachers and trust. Robert Ohotto, Heidi Fleiss and her flying macaws, my children, my husband, my own animal family... They are all my teachers. Maybe I should enlist the help of others and not try to do everything myself- as a way of maintaining balance. Hmmm. Things to think about as I stroll through 2010.
